To Live in Wonder

"Concepts create idols; only wonder grasps anything - St. Gregory of Nyssa

St. Gregory’s marvelous dictum is among a handful of things that describe what is required for the Christian life. So much of Christian history has been marked with a bifurcation – a split between those who study the faith and those who live it. It is not a necessary split – only a common one. Of course there is the larger number of Christians who do neither.

But wonder is an essential attitude of heart – without it – we will see nothing as it truly is.

The Scriptures tell us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” – which also means that other human beings should be approached with awe and wonder. We will not see them nor love them as we ought if our heart is dwelling in some other mode.

I tend to see wonder in two particular places – in children and in those of older years. My own children have always been a revelation of the world about me – a chance to see the world as though for the first time. To watch the wonder of a child beset with the jaded cynicism of our culture is surely to see one of the most crucial battles of our age. Cynicism is generally always correct for it lacks the wonder the alone would reveal its error.

The wonder of older years has been something of a new revelation for me – if only because I barely qualify for “older years.” I will turn 57 later this year. But I have been around long enough to see my last child enter college. I have been blessed with 34 years of marriage. With those years comes an increasing sense of wonder at how things have worked together to be what they are. I am less impressed with my choices and the power to choose. Rather I am overwhelmed at the good that has come to me that I did not know to choose (and it came unbidden).

My wife tells a story about her father – that once on a vacation the children balked at one of his suggested “side-trips.” He chided them for their lack of curiosity. I’ve always marveled at the story – far too few parents seek to encourage curiosity in their children – it is part of a life of wonder.

I remember an event with my two oldest children – when they were quite young. We were hiking through Duke Forest in North Carolina, and came across a circle of mushrooms. It is commonly referred to as a “fairy circle.” When I exclaimed, “A fairy circle!” my children laughed at me and told me there was no such thing. I chided them lightly for their own confidence in a “literal” world.

The are many delusions in life – many of them are about ourselves, other people and the nature of things. Wonder sets a guard about the heart that – along with other things – provides a hedge against delusion. Wonder may recognize what we do know, but always brackets such knowledge with the realization of what we do not know.

I am occasionally upbraided by some of my non-Orthodox friends for becoming a part of a Church “that thinks it has all the answers.” This is a mistaken view of Orthodoxy. The certainty established by the dogmas of the faith and the discipline of the canons are not meant to create in the Orthodox mind the hardness of flint. They describe the boundaries given us by Christ and set before us the markers of a pilgrim’s journey.

The life of the Orthodox faith is one that is rightly lived in wonder. To confess God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit is not to say that I have now “comprehended,” but to confess Him who is beyond our comprehension and who, wonder of wonders, condescended to make Himself known in the incarnation of the Son of God.

St. Paul tells us, “For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known” (1 Cor. 13:12).

For most of my life I interpreted this to mean that I would knowquantitatively as God knows (as unbelievable as that may seem). However, I now think of it as knowing qualitatively as God knows – to know in the manner that God knows. We are certainly taught to hold God in wonder. Perhaps it is also true that God, in His knowledge of us, holds us in wonder as well.

It is quite possible (and most common) to find belief in God held as a proposition – a matter of the intellect. In the same manner, many doctrines are held (and argued) as propositions. God does not hold usas propositions – thus such knowledge cannot be the goal of the Christian life (nor even its substance).

We should seek to know as we are known – “to behold the beauty of the Lord, to inquire in His temple.” It is to seek a knowledge that is truly wonderful."

This is a repost from Fr. Stepen's "Glory to God In All Things" http://fatherstephen.wordpress.com/

Prayers by the Lake #4 by St. Nikolai of Ochrid and Zica

My elders taught me, when I was a youth, to cling to heaven and earth, lest I stumble. For a long time I remained a child, and for a long time I used to lean on the crutch that they gave me.

But once eternity flooded through me and I felt like a stranger in the world, heaven and earth snapped in two in my hands like a frail reed.

O Lord, my strength, how frail are heaven and earth! They look like palaces built of lead, but they evaporate like water in the palm of the hand in Your presence. Only by their bristling do they conceal their frailty, and frighten uneducated children.

Get out of my sight, suns and stars. Sunder yourselves from the earth. Do not entice me, women and friends. What help can I receive from you, who are helplessly growing old and sinking into the grave?

All your gifts are an apple with a worm in its core. All your potions have passed through someone's entrails many times. Your garments are a cobweb that my nakedness mocks. Your smiles are a proclamation of sorrow, in which your feebleness is screaming to mine for help.

O Lord, my strength, how feeble heaven and earth are! And all the evil that men do under heaven is an admission of feebleness and—infirmity.

Only someone strong dares to do good. Only someone who is nourished and watered with You, my strength, is filled with strength for goodness.

Only someone who sleeps in Your heart knows rest. Only someone who plows before Your feet will enjoy the fruit of his labors.

My childhood, nourished with fear and ignorance, came to an end; and my hope in heaven and earth vanished. Now I only gaze at You and cling to Your gaze in return, O my cradle and my resurrection.

Healing Part 2 (a year later)

Glory To the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, both now and ever, unto the ages of ages. Amen.

My journey into Orthodoxy has been slow since the last celebration of the resurrection of our Lord (Pascha). Life for me has been joyful much of the time and humbling only part of the time (I am grateful for this ratio because of my spiritual infirmity). My progress has been slow and my arrogance has caused much of my failings as though it were the source of my misery. I have stopped searching for a great many things, one of those is a formal education, money, and another is people who don't want to be found... I'm generally a loyal person and those who do not respond to that cause misunderstandings.

I've been told once that a good way to hear God laugh is to tell Him your plans. I did not expect to be as far way from classes as I have been for the past year and a half, and there are roughly $35,000 worth of reasons why that is the case. College Academics aside, I have learned more profitable knowledge in this past six months than my entire life combined. This knowledge is nothing less than the process of turning theology and most particularly doxology from mere discussion pieces into a lifestyle founded in the fullness of Christ's presence and constant communion with God the Father (Orthodoxy). It's easy to say and I've probably heard dozens of sermons stating that very fact in one form or another in many churches (I'm still kicking myself for being too clouded to hear it). The finer details of a lifestyle in the fullness of Christ lie in the acceptance that you will never arrive at perfection until the final judgment, a humbling fact and not a discouraging one. But the paradox begins when speaking/praying/communing with God means that this single moment, a wisp in the eyes of eternity, contains that which is infinite and is the arrival of the Kingdom of Heaven within your soul (or your soul arriving within The Kingdom, I haven't figured it out and it likely does not matter). But The Kingdom is our life and Doxology is the meaning of life, what more can a created being do, we cannot give The Creator anything but the one place He chooses to limit his power, free will. I digress.

My cultivation is just beginning, and I must always remember the words of the Epistle to the Galatians the list of tools to destroy a Christian, namely believing that I am better than any other person or group. Maybe someday I will be blessed with the comprehension of Love beyond its symptoms and side effects (ie. the 'five love languages', inner warmth and so on). What a miracle that would require!

May our Great God and Savior Jesus Christ have mercy on us all, and grant us a rich entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven

Almost one year later

First I will begin by what strikes me as the immediate structure and change that is obvious to me since the last post. The wording strikes me as direct, biting, and in parts vicious. Forgive me, a wretched sinner!

On a note of praise amongst my undeniable unworthiness, indeed I have finally chanced upon an environment of intense spiritual growth. In this I am surrounded by saintly examples and the saints themselves who are meant to reflect the light of God's glory and miracles that inspire doxology. In fact, my driving life goal is now, and hopefully shall be, to become a living doxology where nothing is my own, where I have no rights to myself, but only to praise the one from whom blessings flow. And I'm not talking about raising my hands during a praise song that makes me feel good, but to be perfect just as our Father in heaven is perfect (Matthew 5:48). Necessarily this cannot include a time-line, but the result is timeless if you catch my drift... This is believed by our early church to not be reserved for the few; it is actually very near, and it is for everyone even though few may realize its tremendous power. It is the everyday expression of the fullness of the Kingdom of heaven, always present on its potential, eternal, always reachable, and not just glimpsed, but actually realized through participation in the mysterious life of God, which is brought to life in the sacred Mysteries of the Church (sacraments like communion, baptism, etc.).

Healing

I stopped writing a while ago only to revisit this collection and realized that this anthology of my best work no longer befits my current character nor one's present state of mind. I still have my battles to fight and demons to cast off, but they are much different (and fewer) than before. Truth be told, I'm in the midst of fighting for my heart, one of true masculinity. Before now, my energy came from what was essentially controlled rage, now I'm looking for a new source. A source that is capable of passionate, unwavering, healing love and also the strength to conquer with overwhelming force physically and spiritually (as modeled by the warrior God we serve, the God of Israel). I've come to realize that these two portrayals can never be separate within the heart of men, anything less is folly. There must be a side of a man that will not flinch when raising his weapon against an overwhelming enemy. This is also the side of a man that: wants to be more respected by others than to be loved, to test his strength against what he thinks is more superior than he (a wilderness, a mountain, a burden, his father, or God).

The nuance of manhood is within the heart of every male and only the God of Gideon can raise us to our full potential (by Him living, breathing and encouraging us from within), believe me I've tried other ways. Any other stance leaves a man with the confusing and awkward mix between: macho "strength", weakness/timid softness, emotional vulnerability, perpetual spiritual infancy, and loss of empathy. We were created by God to be: spiritually indestructible masters of war, mentally awake and aware, physically confident in one's strength no matter what amount, last and NEVER least, a heart that is led by God, thus untamed by bondage of any kind (sin, social strata, a job, a church,... controlling women..., etc.).

The moment you take one step in this direction, you will be attacked. Why? Because we've been told by the bible that our human spirits are greater than the angels. That is a force to be reckoned with and the Great Accuser will not let you develop unhindered. A note on accusation, the next time you hear a voice inside your head that says to you anything resembling an insult or a random memory that distresses you, speak sternly "Be gone from me vile spirit". Sounds crazy, what happens next will tell you everything, it will likely leave you for a while, it might intensify (be confident, God does not enjoy those spirits around His children so take it to him). That was just one very small example of a spiritual attack, but if we believe those words of accusation, it will cripple us! James 4 says "Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee you". I'm not saying this will be easy by any stretch of the imagination. For instance in Luke 8, Jesus encounters a man tormented by a legion of demons, even then Christ himself had to try more than once to get them to leave. This description shows us two important things, we who are empowered by God can do that and more, and none of this should not be taken lightly. This is a battle being waged and there are casualties all around us. If we would just look with open eyes, we would see a great many wounded, crippled, and dead souls (fearful, overworked, tired, sterile, passive, or violent souls).

Remember this, God not only wants our hearts to be set free, He's wanting us to be the Spartan Hoplites of our Faith. Professional Warriors who serve a great purpose and only one Master, so that others may truly live. Even still, would you go to any battle alone?

Gain Some Ground

Shake it off.
Pick yourself up, they say.
Your life fell apart in your hands,
And you've got the scars to prove it.
It's not the first time,
And they're getting deeper.

Pull it together.
Button up your shirt.
Roll down those sleeves.
Don't let them see how you've coped.

More and more your demeanor looks like quicksand.
It seems like your giving up on everything you worked for.
It's pulling you under.
It's gripping around your throat.

Life can be overwhelming,
But don't turn your back on the strongest crutch you've ever had.
He has always been there to brace your fall.
Wave goodbye to the past.
You've got your whole life to lead.
It's time to gain some ground.

You are the disease.
Another day, another memory.
But I have failed.
I turned another lie into the work of a saint.

So where is the cure?
Hundreds of souls with the look of horror on their face.
Now I rise from my knees.
I will not live in misery.
You won't take me.

Now it's me.
All that's left is a bitter taste,
Of a life that was once so promising.
Rather cut at the wrist,
Than laugh about your mistakes.
Sickness fills the air.
Another life that you wish you could fake.
Your eyes will cut through me,
But it's a risk, that i must take.

You will not destroy me,
You cannot destroy me.

And I'll fight you with every ounce of strength I have left,
And I'll seal it with a bullet and a kiss.
So look at your horror.

I want to see your face.
Show me your true face.
I want to see your face.
Show me your true face.

My heart belongs to you, so save me.
For the sake to give it away.
Still beats inside of me.
My heart belongs to you, so save me.

And my heart still beats.