Healing Part 2 (a year later)

Glory To the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, both now and ever, unto the ages of ages. Amen.

My journey into Orthodoxy has been slow since the last celebration of the resurrection of our Lord (Pascha). Life for me has been joyful much of the time and humbling only part of the time (I am grateful for this ratio because of my spiritual infirmity). My progress has been slow and my arrogance has caused much of my failings as though it were the source of my misery. I have stopped searching for a great many things, one of those is a formal education, money, and another is people who don't want to be found... I'm generally a loyal person and those who do not respond to that cause misunderstandings.

I've been told once that a good way to hear God laugh is to tell Him your plans. I did not expect to be as far way from classes as I have been for the past year and a half, and there are roughly $35,000 worth of reasons why that is the case. College Academics aside, I have learned more profitable knowledge in this past six months than my entire life combined. This knowledge is nothing less than the process of turning theology and most particularly doxology from mere discussion pieces into a lifestyle founded in the fullness of Christ's presence and constant communion with God the Father (Orthodoxy). It's easy to say and I've probably heard dozens of sermons stating that very fact in one form or another in many churches (I'm still kicking myself for being too clouded to hear it). The finer details of a lifestyle in the fullness of Christ lie in the acceptance that you will never arrive at perfection until the final judgment, a humbling fact and not a discouraging one. But the paradox begins when speaking/praying/communing with God means that this single moment, a wisp in the eyes of eternity, contains that which is infinite and is the arrival of the Kingdom of Heaven within your soul (or your soul arriving within The Kingdom, I haven't figured it out and it likely does not matter). But The Kingdom is our life and Doxology is the meaning of life, what more can a created being do, we cannot give The Creator anything but the one place He chooses to limit his power, free will. I digress.

My cultivation is just beginning, and I must always remember the words of the Epistle to the Galatians the list of tools to destroy a Christian, namely believing that I am better than any other person or group. Maybe someday I will be blessed with the comprehension of Love beyond its symptoms and side effects (ie. the 'five love languages', inner warmth and so on). What a miracle that would require!

May our Great God and Savior Jesus Christ have mercy on us all, and grant us a rich entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven

Almost one year later

First I will begin by what strikes me as the immediate structure and change that is obvious to me since the last post. The wording strikes me as direct, biting, and in parts vicious. Forgive me, a wretched sinner!

On a note of praise amongst my undeniable unworthiness, indeed I have finally chanced upon an environment of intense spiritual growth. In this I am surrounded by saintly examples and the saints themselves who are meant to reflect the light of God's glory and miracles that inspire doxology. In fact, my driving life goal is now, and hopefully shall be, to become a living doxology where nothing is my own, where I have no rights to myself, but only to praise the one from whom blessings flow. And I'm not talking about raising my hands during a praise song that makes me feel good, but to be perfect just as our Father in heaven is perfect (Matthew 5:48). Necessarily this cannot include a time-line, but the result is timeless if you catch my drift... This is believed by our early church to not be reserved for the few; it is actually very near, and it is for everyone even though few may realize its tremendous power. It is the everyday expression of the fullness of the Kingdom of heaven, always present on its potential, eternal, always reachable, and not just glimpsed, but actually realized through participation in the mysterious life of God, which is brought to life in the sacred Mysteries of the Church (sacraments like communion, baptism, etc.).

Healing

I stopped writing a while ago only to revisit this collection and realized that this anthology of my best work no longer befits my current character nor one's present state of mind. I still have my battles to fight and demons to cast off, but they are much different (and fewer) than before. Truth be told, I'm in the midst of fighting for my heart, one of true masculinity. Before now, my energy came from what was essentially controlled rage, now I'm looking for a new source. A source that is capable of passionate, unwavering, healing love and also the strength to conquer with overwhelming force physically and spiritually (as modeled by the warrior God we serve, the God of Israel). I've come to realize that these two portrayals can never be separate within the heart of men, anything less is folly. There must be a side of a man that will not flinch when raising his weapon against an overwhelming enemy. This is also the side of a man that: wants to be more respected by others than to be loved, to test his strength against what he thinks is more superior than he (a wilderness, a mountain, a burden, his father, or God).

The nuance of manhood is within the heart of every male and only the God of Gideon can raise us to our full potential (by Him living, breathing and encouraging us from within), believe me I've tried other ways. Any other stance leaves a man with the confusing and awkward mix between: macho "strength", weakness/timid softness, emotional vulnerability, perpetual spiritual infancy, and loss of empathy. We were created by God to be: spiritually indestructible masters of war, mentally awake and aware, physically confident in one's strength no matter what amount, last and NEVER least, a heart that is led by God, thus untamed by bondage of any kind (sin, social strata, a job, a church,... controlling women..., etc.).

The moment you take one step in this direction, you will be attacked. Why? Because we've been told by the bible that our human spirits are greater than the angels. That is a force to be reckoned with and the Great Accuser will not let you develop unhindered. A note on accusation, the next time you hear a voice inside your head that says to you anything resembling an insult or a random memory that distresses you, speak sternly "Be gone from me vile spirit". Sounds crazy, what happens next will tell you everything, it will likely leave you for a while, it might intensify (be confident, God does not enjoy those spirits around His children so take it to him). That was just one very small example of a spiritual attack, but if we believe those words of accusation, it will cripple us! James 4 says "Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee you". I'm not saying this will be easy by any stretch of the imagination. For instance in Luke 8, Jesus encounters a man tormented by a legion of demons, even then Christ himself had to try more than once to get them to leave. This description shows us two important things, we who are empowered by God can do that and more, and none of this should not be taken lightly. This is a battle being waged and there are casualties all around us. If we would just look with open eyes, we would see a great many wounded, crippled, and dead souls (fearful, overworked, tired, sterile, passive, or violent souls).

Remember this, God not only wants our hearts to be set free, He's wanting us to be the Spartan Hoplites of our Faith. Professional Warriors who serve a great purpose and only one Master, so that others may truly live. Even still, would you go to any battle alone?